The theme of control comes up in therapy all the time: a lack of it, too much of it, or a constant longing for it. Most of us have a complicated relationship with control — and finding a healthy balance across different parts of life (work, parenting, relationships, health, money) can be surprisingly hard.
From an evolutionary point of view, this makes complete sense. Our brains are wired for survival, and survival depends on noticing threat and reducing uncertainty. In simple terms, the mind often equates:
control = safety
and
safety = survival
So the longing for control isn’t something you can (or need to) eradicate. What can change is the belief that you must feel in control in order to feel okay. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we’re not trying to remove your desire for control — we’re helping you loosen the grip of control when it becomes the condition for being content.
Healthy control vs. unhealthy control
ACT makes an important distinction: some control is healthy and effective. It can help you live in line with your values.
Healthy control might look like:
- Self-discipline (doing what matters even when you don’t feel like it)
- Boundary setting (protecting your time, energy, and relationships)
- Preparation (planning, practising, learning, organising)
Unhealthy control often shows up as efforts to control what can’t truly be controlled, such as:
- Other people (their choices, emotions, behaviour, opinions)
- The future (trying to predict outcomes to prevent disappointment)
- Your internal experience (trying to eliminate anxiety, uncertainty, doubt, or shame)
Unhealthy control tends to feel urgent and necessary and it usually brings short-term relief, but long-term costs.
The key ACT question: does control take you towards or away?
A helpful way to understand your relationship with control is to ask:
When you’re seeking control, does it take you towards or away from the kind of life you want to live?
If it moves you towards your life, it may be healthy.
For example: preparing for an exam because you value growth, learning, and building a future.
If it moves you away from your life, it may be unhelpful — not because wanting control is “wrong”, but because it interferes with living meaningfully.
For example: trying to control outcomes, then feeling bereft when life doesn’t follow the script.
Another useful question is:
What does the need for control cost you?
Common costs include: tension in relationships, exhaustion, procrastination (because it must be perfect), difficulty delegating, reduced spontaneity, and a life that gets smaller as you avoid uncertainty.
If you’re unsure where you sit, the tools below can help you “curtail the control mode” — so you choose when it’s useful, rather than feeling driven by it.
Three ACT tools to loosen unhelpful control
1) Keep what works. Drop what doesn’t.
A core ACT principle is workability: we focus less on whether a thought is true and more on whether a strategy is helping you live well.
Try this practical distinction:
Control what you can control
- your actions
- your boundaries
- your preparation
- your communication
- your choices, effort, and values-based steps
Practice letting go of what you can’t
- thoughts and feelings (they come and go)
- other people
- outcomes
- uncertainty (a guaranteed part of being alive)
2) Notice the urge to control — in your body
Often control isn’t a logical decision; it’s a nervous-system response that says fix this and sort it now. ACT builds the skill of noticing this response and making space for it, rather than obeying it automatically.
Try this short practice:
- Notice & name it:
“Ah — here’s the urge to control.” - Find it in the body:
Where do you feel it? Chest? throat? jaw? stomach? - Breathe into it:
Slow your exhale. Allow the sensation to be there. - Expand around it:
“Can this be here while I do what matters?”
You’re not trying to get rid of the feeling. You’re practising a way of being that means having the feeling and doing the things you want to do regardless.
3) Help thoughts become information, not commands
Unhelpful control is often driven by rigid rules and scary predictions:
- “If I don’t do this, something will go wrong.”
- “I can’t cope if it doesn’t work out.”
- “I must make the right decision.”
In ACT we use defusion skills — ways to step back from thoughts so they have less power.
Try one of these:
- Label the thought:
“I’m having the thought that I can’t cope.”
(This creates distance without arguing.) - Thank your mind:
“Thanks, mind — great catastrophe planning.”
(Gentle humour, not self-mockery.) - Name the rule-mind:
“Here’s my ‘must be certain’ rule again.”
(You’re noticing a pattern, not a truth.)
The goal isn’t to stop thoughts. It’s to stop being pushed around by them.
And finally….
If control has been your way of staying safe, it deserves compassion not criticism. Many people learned early on that being “in control” is how you avoid shame, disappointment, conflict, or failure. But the paradox is this:
The more we try to control life in order to feel okay, the smaller life can become.
A gentler, more freeing aim is:
to build a life you care about — and learn you can carry uncertainty with you.
If you’d like support exploring your relationship with control — and practising tools that actually change it — therapy can help. At The Avenue Practice, we use ACT along with many other approaches to help you move from control-as-survival into flexibility, meaning, and steadier self-trust.
